How to Calm Your Inner Critic
Our internal monologue is incredibly important, but sometimes it can be a little unkind.
We all have an inner critic. It’s been our ingrained, automatic thinking for so long that it tends to become background noise; something we don’t question or see as a problem. In small doses, self-criticism can be useful; it tells us where we’ve gone wrong and what we need to do to make things right. But when this voice becomes meaner and more vocal, it can have the opposite effect, leading to adverse long-term mental and even physical wellbeing.
We cannot switch off bad thoughts entirely, but we can learn to confront and live with them. This is easier said than done, but there are simple steps you can take to calm the critic.
Step 1: Tune into your thoughts
When negative thoughts arise and threaten to take over, sometimes the key to taking back control is simply to acknowledge them. By addressing the inner critic and embracing its concerns, we can soften its detrimental impact and reclaim the narrative.
One way to tune into your inner critic is to try and notice what automatically goes through your head when it is triggered. Often this is over something small and trivial, such as dropping your phone or spilling a drink. Is the voice scathing; along the lines of “I’m such an idiot” or “I’m so useless”? If so, we need to change these caustic thoughts into a more compassionate voice.
So, next time your inner critic pops up, simply acknowledge it and pay attention to what is being said without reacting. Notice how these thoughts make you feel in your body and practice ‘mindfulness of thoughts’. This is where you simply notice and observe your thoughts, as if they were clouds passing in the sky. Remember: thoughts are not facts, and they don’t define us. You can take a step back and notice them without affecting your mood. Mindfulness can be a powerful tool in stopping negative thoughts from turning into more destructive behaviours.
Step 2: Ground Yourself
Under the umbrella of mindfulness is ‘grounding techniques’, which are used to self-regulate in moments of stress and anxiety. They serve as gentle reminders to stay focused and anchored in the present moment, which is what helps reduce the feelings of anxiety that negative self-talk can trigger.
Grounding techniques are useful in moments where self-criticism can have an immediate adverse effect, such as when giving a presentation or at a job interview. After all, one negative thought — ‘I’m going to mess this up” or “they’re never going to hire me” — can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In moments that require immediate calm, try using ‘boxed breathing,’ a technique of breathing in for four seconds, holding for four seconds and breathing out for four seconds, then repeating until you feel grounded.
And as much as ignoring our inner critic or pushing it to one side is not productive because it doesn’t address the underlying issue, sometimes a bit of space and distraction is just what we need. Try a mindfulness practice that engages your senses, such as the ‘5, 4, 3, 2, 1 exercise’. This is where you identify five objects, four different sounds, three textures, two smells, and one taste. By doing this simple exercise, your brain is distracted from the critic, you feel calmer, and can ultimately put things into perspective.
Step 3: Practice self-compassion
If friends and loved ones are going through a difficult time, chances are we would treat them with compassion and kindness, not harsh criticism or judgement — even if they had made mistakes. We understand that people are only human and deserving of love and empathy, but why do we not reserve the same kind of treatment for ourselves?
Negative self-talk can stem from many different sources and is perfectly normal. These thoughts tell us things like: “I can’t”, “I don’t deserve”, “it’s my fault” and “I’m not enough.” Compassionate self-talk is more along the lines of: “I will try,” “I’m doing my best,” “I’m allowed to,” and ‘It’s OK.”
It’s surprisingly difficult to reconfigure our inner monologue to be more encouraging and compassionate, which is why we tend to wallow in negative thoughts and let them run amok in our mind. A helpful activity to meet cruelty with kindness internally is to consider how you might talk to a friend. What would you say to them and how would you say it? How would you support or reassure them? By applying words of kindness to ourselves, we soften the inner critic without silencing it.
