“No worries if not!” How People-Pleasing Can Damage Your Career
On the face of it, it might sound like a pretty good idea to be a people pleaser, but it’s a pattern of behaviour that actually sets you back.
People-pleasing isn’t about being caring and wanting to make other people happy. It’s about a fear of asserting yourself in an attempt to feel safe and to avoid difficult experiences. Unfortunately, this need to please others might be stopping you from really progressing in your career and being the best you can be. It can diminish your work, undermine your authority, and - eventually - stunt your professional growth.
Most people know about the fight/flight/freeze response, but another response - fawn - is the foundation of people-pleasing behaviour.
What is the fawn response?
A ‘fawn’ response is when a person responds to danger by trying to be pleasing or helpful (particularly when the danger is making someone unhappy). Rather than fighting, fleeing or freezing, people-pleasers respond to threat by ‘fawning’, where they immediately shift into behaviour designed to appease the source of a potential conflict.
It is a learned behaviour (rather than an involuntary stress response like fight, flight or freeze). However, once the fawn response has been learned, it can be someone’s go-to way of trying to cope with life's challenges.
How can the fawn response show up in your career?
If you’re employed, the fawn response might look like:
Taking on additional work in an attempt to win favour
Running your decisions past everyone to make sure nobody disapproves of your choices
Volunteering for unpopular projects to show that you’re helpful
Remaining quiet or mirroring other people’s opinions to ‘keep the peace’
Running personal errands for your boss — despite it not being part of your job description
Responding to every request for support, even if it interrupts your own work
Attending unnecessary meetings because you don’t want to disappoint people
If you’re self-employed, the fawn response might look like:
Doing too much work for free
Offering discounts without being asked
Not charging what you’re worth
Taking on more than you can comfortably manage because you don’t want to disappoint people
Feeling disconnected from your true voice because you've adopted other people's expectations
Hiding your true voice because you fear being judged or criticised
Agreeing to meet unrealistic deadlines and undercharging for your time, then feeling resentful.
Where does the fawn response come from?
The ‘fawn’ response is often learned in childhood. Some people-pleasers grew up in very controlling and chaotic environments, where they were emotionally abandoned or parentified (when a child has to take care of the needs of the parent). As a result, they have internalised the idea that if they are perfectly ‘good’, they can avoid conflict and receive love and attachment. People-pleasers have usually learned to believe that it is:
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
👉 Safer to listen than to talk
👉 Safer to agree than to disagree
👉 Safer to offer care than to ask for help
👉 Safer to leave choices to the other rather than to express preferences ⠀⠀⠀
The problem with people-pleasing
People-pleasers tend to be very skilled at mirroring other people’s opinions in order to de-escalate situations, and they can sometimes be almost psychic in their ability to read other people’s moods and expectations. But in order to do this, they have often abandoned their own needs and boundaries and shut down their gut instincts and preferences, which is why they can end up feeling as though they don’t have their own identity. People-pleasers can also end up overextending themselves by saying ‘yes’ to everything, which often leads to burnout.
How do you curb the fawn response and stop people-pleasing?
Deconstructing the fawn response takes time and involves becoming mindful of your people-pleasing behaviours and developing a more assertive communication style. Speaking-up isn’t always easy, particularly if you’re more shy by nature, but the benefits of being more assertive can be life-changing. It can deepen your relationships and propel your career forward. When we’re assertive, we ask for what we want, we talk openly about what we need, and we effectively advocate for ourselves without being pushy.
If you struggle with people-pleasing you might be interested in my four-week online programme, Reclaiming You.
Reclaiming You is a step-by-step guide to overcoming imposter syndrome, reducing anxiety and reclaiming your confidence. In Week 3 of the course we take a deep-dive into the fawn response and I walk you through the steps you can take to curb your people-pleasing, speak up, share your ideas and say ‘no’ without feeling guilty.
The next enrolment for Reclaiming You opens 12th January 2022. You can join the waiting list here and receive a special bonus offer and be notified as soon as the doors open.
