This Analogy for Boundaries is a Game-Changer
Could looking at boundaries like a garden fence improve your mental health?
Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. They are a crucial aspect of mental health and provide a necessary foundation for every relationship we have (whether it be romantic, professional, family or friendships).
Boundaries establish, to both ourselves and to others, what we deem appropriate and acceptable and what we regard as ‘OK’ and ‘not OK’. They allow us to separate ourselves from others and help us communicate what we want, need or prefer. Boundaries range from loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere in between.
Research tells us that healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care, while poor boundaries can lead to increased anxiety, stress, codependency, resentment, and burnout. Creating healthy boundaries is an essential skill but for many of us, it’s a process we were never taught.
The Garden Fence Analogy
One way to begin to understand boundaries is the garden fence analogy, which I first heard about from psychologist Dr Sarah Davies.
Imagine a fence that surrounds your garden. The fence marks your property, it outlines your space and it clearly defines your land for others to see. The fence is approachable and at a height that allows people on both sides to communicate with one another. The fence is low enough to see over, but high enough to offer safety and security, and there is a gate that allows you to let people in and out.
This analogy is a way of demonstrating what a healthy boundary looks like: firm and clear but with some room for movement. This type of boundary describes a sense of knowing what is your responsibility and what is not. It’s a space where you feel comfortable saying no and asserting yourself in a considerate way. It’s also a space where you can reassess or move your boundaries, given the individual person or situation, but without losing your sense of what is right for you.
In contrast, unhealthy loose boundaries are like having no fence at all. With no fence around your garden, nobody knows where the edge is. Can you imagine the confusion and chaos this would cause? People might trample over your grass, pick your flowers or even park their car on your lawn, completely unaware that it was your space! If we don’t have clear boundaries, nobody knows where they stand, there are no guidelines or rules, and we’re left feeling upset or resentful. Those with loose boundaries tend to have difficulty identifying and expressing their needs, often fear saying ‘no’ to others and can be susceptible to manipulation.
At the other end of the spectrum there are overly rigid boundaries. This is like having a tall brick wall all around your garden. Nobody can see over, and the message is ‘stay well away’. This is equally as unhealthy as having no boundaries. People with rigid boundaries are often very fearful of others and struggle to have emotional intimacy or to ask others for help.
Most people have a mix of different boundary types. For example, someone could have loose boundaries with their family, healthy boundaries in romantic relationships, and a mix of all three types at work or with their friends.
Here is a breakdown of each boundary type:
No Fence - Loose Boundaries:
Has difficulty saying ‘no’
Overshares personal information
A chronic fixer/helper/rescuer
Dependent on the opinions of others
Allows other people to manipulate or take advantage
Has difficulty expressing needs and wants
Fears rejection if they don’t comply with others
Over-involved with other’s problems
Brick Wall - Rigid Boundaries:
Has radical and rigid rules and restrictions
Fiercely private and very protective of personal information
Has difficulty asking for help
Avoids intimacy and close relationships
May seem detached or emotionally withdrawn
Controls others to avoid the possibility of rejection
Approachable Garden Fence - Healthy Boundaries:
Is aware of own thoughts, values, opinions and beliefs
Doesn’t compromise values
Has clear sense of what is their responsibility and what is not
Is assertive in a balanced and considerate way
Is flexible without losing a sense of self
Shares personal information in an appropriate way (does not over or under share)
Re-adjusting Your Boundaries
Defining our boundaries and making them clear to those around us isn’t always easy and can take some trial and error. It can be helpful to spend some time reflecting on the different boundaries you set with the people in your life and thinking about how they impact your relationships.
You might find that in some situations your boundaries are too extreme and they push people away, leaving you feeling lonely and disconnected. With other people, you might find that you give in to their demands out of guilt or fear and your boundaries are too flimsy, leaving you exhausted and resentful.
If you think you might need some help tightening or relaxing your boundaries then it can be useful to start exploring and defining your boundaries with the following reflection questions:
What unhelpful beliefs do I hold about boundaries? (Some common myths are “If I set boundaries, I am being selfish” and “If I don’t have rigid boundaries, I will be hurt by others”)
What do I want from others in relationships?
How do I like to treat others and how do I like to be treated?
Is there any difference between the two and if so, why?
What are my absolute deal-breakers in relationships?
What might it be like to assert my boundaries?
How do I feel when my boundaries are breached?
