5 Common Boundary Setting Mistakes (and what to do instead)
Most of us recognise that boundaries are necessary for having healthy relationships but there is still some confusion about how to successfully set them. Here are five things people tend to get wrong about boundaries:
1. Over-explaining and being too ‘nice’
People often ‘sugar-coat’ their boundaries to avoid hurting other people but this tends to make boundaries unclear and can leave people feeling confused. Try to make your boundaries clear and to the point, with no over-explaining. For example, “Thank you for the invitation, but I need some time to myself tonight.” Often when people cross our boundaries it’s actually because we haven’t been clear enough. Remember - when it comes to setting boundaries, clear is kind.
2. Phrasing your boundary as a question
Boundaries should be communicated as statements, not as questions. Try to stick to the facts and use statements like “I will”, “I’m not”, “I can’t” or “I need”. For example ,“I’m not comfortable with you making jokes about my appearance.” If you ask a question, you’re more likely to get into a debate.
3. Not setting a consequence
Often, when our boundary is crossed, we get angry but we don’t know what to do or say beyond that, and the violation gets repeated. So when setting boundaries, it can be helpful to explicitly state the action you will take if the boundary isn’t respected. For example, “If this happens again I will walk away from the conversation” or “If you call me again when I’m at work I won’t answer the phone.”
4. Ignoring messages from your body
Many people struggle to even decide where to set their boundaries. Try becoming aware of your limits by noticing how you feel in your body. For example, when your friend asks you if she can borrow some money, how do you feel? Is there tightness in your chest and some resentment bubbling up? How about when a colleague asks if you can stay late to help them with something, do you feel excitement and spaciousness or do you feel irritated and depleted? The goal is to listen to what your body is communicating and to choose what feels right for you.
5. Forgetting that you can set boundaries with yourself
Some of the most important boundaries we will ever set are the ones we set with ourselves. They can look like setting boundaries around the way we engage with work, our health, our self-talk, our money or our time. Setting a boundary with yourself might sound like “I will not spend money impulsively as a way to make myself feel better” or “I will not use words like ‘fat’ or ‘ugly’ to describe how I look” or “I will step away from my computer at lunchtime”. Honouring the boundaries we set for ourselves can be a powerful act of self-care and improve our self-esteem.
